Self-Esteem Week: Jayne Hill


Jayne Hill on Self-Esteem

 I sit in dismay as I begin to write this post. I have to say I was taken back when Anali asked me to participate in self-esteem week. Of course I wanted to be involved, but I tried to push it back. What am I going to write?! I asked myself over and over. I wanted to be real, transparent, get to the bottom of what caused me to struggle with self-esteem. For the most part I have pretty much blocked that journey out of my mind. I like to think of myself as full of positive self-esteem and confidence, but how did I get there?!

Starting with elementary school, out of all the things to be insecure about, I abhorred my name… Now that I think about it it seems so silly! But I had a huge complex about my name. In no way, shape or form did I look like a Jayne! Plus it was spelled different and to top it off my teachers (and even substitutes) would call me Miss Hill. Eh it was not good. I mean how can a person begin to be comfortable with themselves if they don't even "fit" their name?!

As I entered the lovely age of middle school my problems of having the "wrong" name soon faded away and were replaced with greater worries. BOYS!!! What they did, what they said, what they thought, quickly consumed me. I mean its natural, girls like guys and guys like girls, but i felt my value laid within their approval. If I was accepted, I was a happy camper and vice versa. This definitely caused me to be on an emotional roller coaster. I remember guys saying some pretty terrible things and just unmercifully teasing me. The fact that I did not wear pants was a playground for ridicule. As a result I put on a mask and became someone I wasn't. One guy actually told me i was the one (1) pretty black girl. I didn't know if that should have been a compliment or an insult. Were black girls ugly?!

This inevitably lead to the next problem. The struggle and fight with my nationality. God why did you make me this way?! Oh luckily I'm light skinned and I have almond eyes, I would tell myself. I could probably pass as a different ethnicity. I did not accept myself, but who would know? Not a person. By this time i was entering high school and surrounded by my friends. I had always been pretty "popular" and in the "it" crowd; the top of the social chain. So how could I ever feel this way?! Well I did. As I began my sophomore year it was announced that we would be leaving the Bay Area and moving to Arizona. This was one of the hardest times in my life. Leaving what I knew for a brand new atmosphere. I went from being on top and knowing everyone to sitting along at lunch with no friends in the distance. I was so use to having friends and the attention of guys that were interested in me all around.

My family and I started getting settled into our new church and I began making new friends.This helped but i still wasn't where I needed to be with myself or with God. Guys came back into the picture and as Anali stated in a previous blog post "I liked somebody I shouldn't have" and I add "a time or two."  Just because you "find" a guy that's "in church" doesn't mean he's the right guy. So after that (my life) went down (or up.. which ever you prefer) in flames I did not want my focus to be on guys any longer.

I decided to focus on me. Without the distraction and constant attention a "relationship" requires, I was able to take time for myself. Of course I still had my girls and positive influences in my life, but I actually took the time to start learning about myself. I grew closer to God and realized who I was in him. He let me see myself the way that he saw me. I noticed the things I like and the things I didn't care for. The more I got to actually know myself the more I began to love myself. I saw the characteristics I actually want in a guy and what to take caution in.

Towards the end of high school, onward to college and the now present my current struggle (that I am overcoming) is my natural hair which might have ties with the whole "ethnic" battle. I have a wonderful support group and the best thing to keep around are positive Godly people!! I am not my hair and I have grown to love the skin i'm in. There are still rough days and days I don't feel beautiful, but everyday I wake up and I can honestly tell myself that I love me. If you ask me why am I so confident I would tell you that I have placed my confidence in Christ. I am not confident in myself, but Christ that is within me. I am thankful for me and who I am in Christ!!! For I am not my own I have been bought with a price. I don't want to insult God and talk negative about his creation.

Living in Arizona you see cacti a lot and I don't necessarily love them like some people, but they are God's creation and I still think they are beautiful. We can't please everyone and make the whole world happy. Someone might think that I am ugly, but I am still God's creation and that makes me beautiful!

Through this journey I ultimately learned that falling in love with Jesus results in loving yourself. In return others are able to love you for you, because you are comfortable with yourself and your refusal to be someone else. I always tell myself be the best you that you can be, because no one else can be you!!! haha It's a mouthful, but its definitely true. When we were at Heritage this year Mary asked me if I tell myself I am beautiful and I answered yes I do!!! All the time, maybe not every day, but enough so that I don't forget it.

Disclosure: I am not a good writer, but I tried my best to write this post. It wasn't easy and there is still so much I can say and talk about. I know it wasn't as cohesive or flow together like the rest. I didn't mean to jump all over the place, but hopefully someone out there can relate. I am not a lady of elegant words like I said I just tried my best to share my story and part of my testimony.  <3 xoxo <3 


13 comments

  1. Jayne!! I'm so glad that you hit the subject of race in your story.I really am. And I am POSITIVE you're not the only one that struggles with the whole race thing. Remember our convo in the car about "you're pretty for a black girl" ?!

    Thank you so much for pouring your hear out on this post and letting me feature you!
    love you!

    Also I think the whole guy thing affects a lot of girls views of themselves. But that's a discussion that I don't think I am bold enough nor brave enough to put online. LOL.

    (Ahem..."car sleepover" anyone?..LOL)

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  2. Jayne! Thank you for writing this :) it reminds me of a message preached by Bro. Don Hyler III at our youth camp last year - he said "If you want to learn who you are, learn who HE is!"

    Anali- let's go! I missed the last one...

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  3. Great story! Love all your pictures too. So cute!

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  4. These posts have all been so good! When you know who you are, it changes future relationships. You will attract friends (both male and female) because of who you are.

    And someday, the right guy (emphasis on RIGHT) will love you when you're all dolled up for church, when you come in from a sweaty bike ride, when you look like a drowned rat on a water ride, or when you've just bawled your eyes out at the altar. Because the outward appearance doesn't change who you really are.

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    1. "You will attract friends (both male and female) because of who you are."

      Amen Sis McElhaney!

      And Amen to your last sentence!

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  5. Jedidah- Are you talking about the conversation about "Your pretty for a black girl?" I think that convo was on the way home and it started out something like me saying, THERE IS NOTHING THAT TICKS ME OFF MORE THAN WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "For a black girl, she is really pretty!" Seriousley??? I just want to be like, for a white person, you are REALLY IGNORANT!!! OR Yeah i just heard this comment recently, yeah, she is like really pretty, she doesn't even look like she is black!" I'm like WOW!!! It just really sits on me THE WRONG WAY!!! LOLOLOL!!! Idk...I feel a BLOG POST COMING ON!!!

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    1. Actually, I was referring to the "car sleepover" thingy... But I'm with you on that!

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  6. P.S. Jayne- its kinda weird even seeing pics of you with your hair straightened now!!! I miss bouncing your hair with Anali!!! LOL! I miss Hanna's curls too!!! OMW!!! I think I'm having CHOCOLATE WITHDRAWALS!!!!!!!

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  7. P.P.S- I'm TRYING NOT to feel low THAT MY self-esteem post ONLY has ONE COMMENT!!! Doesn't ANYONE CARE about my eyelids????

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  8. JAYNE! First, of all, you ARE a good writer!!

    Secondly, this is random but wow... I was going to tell you earlier this week that I like your name and the unique spelling of it! Crazy that you blogged about this!

    You hit on a key point - when we fall in love with Jesus, it makes up for all of our so-called inadequacies!

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  9. I cannot express how much I LOVE this post! I know it took a lot of courage to be this transparent about your feelings. But I am glad you did it. You are so precious and beautiful, Jayne! I can relate to the "pretty for black girl" thing.. Oh my word, so many people have said, "you are pretty for a dark black girl." HUH? It irritates me because I'm thinking, so do you think all dark black people are ugly and I'm some exception?? Hmmm. ANYWAY! I'm glad you pointed out that there can be skin color issuses within races. Thank God we are in the church! We can throw all of that out of the window because God is no respector of persons and loves us all the same!

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  10. Aww Jayne!! That second picture of you when you were little....that's how I first remember you! And by the way, you are beautiful and I'm so glad to see what God has done in your life! You have such a glow to you! Keep letting God shine through you! :)

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