Self-Esteem Week Year 2: Courtney

*Disclaimer from Anali: I am so NOT violent.....LOLOLOL. But thank your Courtney for writing this! *


When Anali asked me to write for self-esteem week I immediately said yes without thinking… I really need to work on thinking before I speak. I wanted to back out of it as soon as I sent the text, but knew that she would kick me when I saw her (she is very violent). So I tried to be slick and ask her what I should write about. Her reply was pretty self-explanatory… SELF ESTEEM!
I would not say that I am the most confident person, at one time people thought I was because of how I carried myself, but that was all an act. I did not grow up in church so for me low self-esteem manifested itself in a different way. I was a very active child I played competitive soccer and danced competitively. I was never petite girl. In my Nana’s New York accent, “Your built like your motha.” I have broad shoulders and well I am not a twig LOL. Being taller and stronger than most of my twiggy friends really lowered my self-esteem. But I cracked jokes and got used to being in the back of those stinky shortest to tallest lines. When I hit sixth grade acne attacked and my beautiful toe-head blonde hair resembled dirty dishwater… This is when my mommy (bless her heart) took me to a salon to dye my hair for the first time. Then we headed off to Clinique for some make-up.
Through middle school I always tried to be the loudest (now I no longer have to try), I was competitive, and wanted to be what others wanted me to be. I succeeded and turned myself into a party girl.  High School was no better! Modesty was not even in my vocabulary; I thought I needed to show everything off so someone would like me. I ran track but I never tried my hardest because guys liked girls who were dainty… I would have to say my bad decisions just lowered my self-esteem even further.
College, oh wonderful Sac State, I finally got to be whoever I wanted to be! I chose bottle blonde, tons of make-up, and party girl…plus rugby player. Not much of a change from High School. I broke my leg my first semester playing rugby, all my so called friends didn’t want gimpy tagging along so I didn’t party, but this caused my self-esteem to crash! Friendless I finished out my first year and entered my second. Needing a change I tried to get into church. In High School I tried but it never worked. Among other issues with the church I was attending, no one lived a separated life, and there was not power just a sinner’s prayer. Which I had repeated over and over but it never worked. So in college I knew I needed something more, I began attending a college group that was assemblies of God. During this time my brother and his girlfriend at the time (now wife) began to witness to me about the oneness of God and Jesus name baptism. This is what I needed. On November 23, 2009 I was baptized in that beautiful Name and filled with the wonderful gift of the Holy Ghost!
 
Some of you are probably thinking what is with this long drawn out history of the life of Courtney Mary Thaler, but without this history lesson you would never understand the work that God did with my self-esteem. So I got saved at 19, but I was not in a holiness church. But God began to deal with me. My full face of make-up to cover up my cystic acne and to bring out my eyes, was washed off and thrown away a couple months after receiving the Holy Ghost. The first time I read about Moses coming down from Mount Sinai I knew the make-up had to go. Then I began to feel that my pants were no longer modest outside of church, so I threw them out! I had one jean skirt and one church skirt that is all I wore. I realized if you couldn’t love me with my pimpled and dented with scars face, then you didn’t love me. If you didn’t like the fact that I covered myself up then you weren’t the one for me. When I got into a holiness church I completely understood that no flesh could glory in the presence of God.
God healed my broken heart and tattered self-image. He began to show me how He viewed me. He revealed to me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that He loved me before I was even formed in my mother’s womb. I was His and He was mine! Finally I had found the love I had been searching for, the acceptance that I had always needed. And the best thing…  Apostolic people come in all shapes and sizes! I am 24 now and still feel like there is so much God needs to work on in me, but I know who I am in Him. I still get frustrated that my hair is frizzy, but I love who I am now. God had healed my cystic acne and my scars are fading some people are shocked when I tell them how bad my skin was at one time. God’s love is what helped my self-esteem, without Him, I am nothing!
So my best advise to someone who is battling low self-esteem… GET INTO THE PRESENCE OF GOD. That is the answer, because you will get to know Him, and how He views you. Let me tell you how He views you is whole lot better than how you view yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others, because they will never be you and you will never be them. Don’t set yourself up for failure; the only one you can compare yourself with is God because He should be your measuring stick. Search for things that you like about yourself that do not involve your dress size or how clear your skin is. Discover what makes you tick, what is your passion? For me it’s teaching. I love teaching whether it’s a bible study, or teaching my students, its what I enjoy and what I am good at.  Finally fall in love with His word, you will find His love in there waiting for you!
 
Love to all!
Court

4 comments

  1. Well said! I really like your honestly and I am sure your testimony is already helping another young lady today.

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  2. Thank you all for your support! TO GOD BE THE GLORY... PS love your name!

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